i love

childcare while i shop

pacifiers

this lip gloss

wild strawberries

lunch at trader joe's

this song and its lyrics

my snap'n'go stroller

max's pb&j sandwich face

10 minutes to do my hair

DIY pedicures

and my new sandals.

fathers

wrestle,
work,
sing,
protect,
cook,
listen,
build,
help,
clean,
fix,
comfort,
tickle,
love.

and..

the winner is..
JULIE!!
i found this nifty
random generator online.
so much easier
than two years ago..
{which was the last time i had a giveaway}
when i wrote out everyone's names
and had ava draw them from a hat.
let me know which pendant you want, julie,
and i'll order it for you.
hooray for you!!

done

here's what the back looks like:



isn't it so pretty? i love it!!!!!!!!!
i'm a new woman. seriously.

haircut

so, i am going to get my hair cut tomorrow.
i'm bored with my hair.
bored.

i'm finally feeling on top of my game.
life is going wonderfully,
i've started working out again
and having more energy and control of things.
so..i need a new haircut to go with it all.

i took these pictures last week.
{i'm not wearing any makeup,
so don't judge.}

this is my hair, not really done
but an idea of how long it is.



then pulled back a little with my shorter layers pulled out.
short. but, still boring.



then really short.



that little activity of messing with my hair
still didn't give me a good idea of how i will look with short hair.
or if i should even do it.
can you tell that i'm freaked out?

sweet julie did this last night after i chatted to her about my hair.



she must have sensed my nervousness.
oh wait. no, i told her. probably ten times.

and even though
my stylist, two years ago
said that i should have hair to my shoulders,
according to my face shape and bone structure,
i don't care.

i'm going short.
i've never once had short hair.
never.
eeek. i'm scared.
determined, but still scared.
here comes the new me.

free

i received so many wonderful gifts for my birthday..

olives,
chocolate tortes of goodness,
movies,

but this is one i can actually share with someone else...
my sweet friend, rachelle
gave me this supercute pendant
from ablu design:



made on the back
of a scrabble tile.
i love it so, so much.

if you want one,
comment by friday, june 19th
and i'll randomly pick someone
to receive a pendant of your choice.

my crib, yo.

this is so uncomfortable for me to watch.
i already knew i was a dork
but seeing myself on film
just makes it all the more true.

we seriously filmed this in like 20 minutes
a couple of days before the party.
and then paul did his magic and spliced it all together
with music.

i love my cute apartment.
i really do.
enjoy.

bedroom

well. we are in the process of buying a house.
{let's all do a collective
crossing of the fingers
that everything goes well.}

also, i had my 6 week checkup this morning
and found out that mabel and i have thrush.
and have had it for quite some time.
good times.
plus, to those of you who were concerned,
my midwife gave me an herbal supplement
to take every day to help even out my emotions.
so, even though i have felt great for the past week or so,
i figured taking a little something couldn't hurt.

now, i KNOW i should be posting about
my birthday party.
but i keep thinking about my lovely apartment
that i will be leaving soon if all goes well.
and even though we are squished into this place
and bursting at the seams,
i will miss it terribly.

almost 5 years ago
we layed the floors ourselves,
put in new switchplate covers,
new plumbing fixtures,
new light fixtures,
painted every room
and made this place our
home sweet home.

so..{cheesy i know}
but the film paul and i made
for my film festival party
was an mtv cribs type film
of our apartment.
i've been wanting to do it for a while
just to have a memory of our place.
i'm pretty sure our guests
didn't get it. in fact,
i'm sure they thought we were big dorks.

{i'll post that in the next few days.}

but first...
some not very pretty
before and afters
of my bedroom.
that i redecorated
in the midst of an intense
nesting stage of my pregnancy.

our bedroom, bedding, etc.
has been purple
{or "plum" for the more masculine name..
to keep paul's testosterone intact}
as long as we've been married.
interpretation: way too long

so one day i went crazy
and couldn't stand it anymore.
i called paul and vented to him
and that night he came home,
primed the purple wall away
and took the bed apart
and down to storage.
yes, he is divine.




within the next couple of days
we decided on the color green
and i bought it and paul painted.
i've never loved a color more
since my blue wall.




one of my favorite things:
the chair that i painted
and reupolhstered.
you can kind of see the original chair in
one of the before pictures.
we call it the cow chair.



another favorite thing..
i found these vintage lamps
at goodwill for $10.



and lastly..i love, love, love my bedding.
{thank you overstock.com}
and love my bed that i found half price on craiglist.
i pretty much love the simplicity of this room.
nevermind that everything might change
entirely in a month or two.
and i get to start all over again.

hot

life is going a lot better.
i received a plethora
of loving advice and concern
which helped immensely.
plus, i cracked down on my list
and things are very much improving.
so, thank you sweet friends here and far.

but now, there's more.
what's that?
you're worried that i'm going to talk
more about my postpartum woes?
{booooooring.}
well, sorry. but, it's true.
it's my life.

so..after having a baby
there is nothing,
let me repeat
nothing
that can get me in the mood
for romance.
i know..poor husband of mine.
it usually takes a few months
to get back in the..uh,
groove, if you will.

but...
last night upon returning home
from {virgin} happy hour
with one of my girlfriends,
i walked into the living room
to find paul
folding two loads of laundry,
followed by him putting it all away.

oh, yes.
yes, it worked.
it worked very well.

image stolen from this book.

oh dear

i hated my birthday post. i hesitate writing this because it will put a damper on this time but it is fact, so i'm writing it. this has nothing to do with my birthday party, which truly was unbelievably amazing and everything i wanted, full of {almost} all the people i love.

i hated that post because my true feelings seeped through the cracks of it till it is now so painful to re-read that i want to delete it. could you not tell?

i am seriously mopey. and i assume it is lack of sleep and this cocktail of hormones running through my body from having a baby and getting back to normal and nursing. but i am just not happy. and i can't stand it. i start crying at random times for no reason whatsoever and the thing is, i seriously want to have control over this. i so rarely feel sad for no reason i can pinpoint.

unfortunately, i feel like even the fact of me writing this out is making it so.
does that make sense?
like i am creating it.

when i should be telling people

that i am doing great.
that the life of three kids is awesome.
that mabel is sleeping fantastic.
that i am happy.
and adjusting perfectly.
and don't mind that it takes me freaking 30 minutes to get dressed because nothing fits right or fits at all. oh and that my face and eyes are constantly swollen and puffy from lack of sleep. and when i'm done getting dressed, mabel is ready to eat and the kids have made a mess of the entire house and we always end up being late to wherever we need to go. .......nope. don't mind it at all.

i should say that
and then it will be.

right?

i have been slowly spiraling downward into this
chasm of chaos
and sadness
and anger
and frustration

and there came a point yesterday when i stopped and asked myself WHY i was creating such a thing. it is ridiculous. we create our lives. we create the situations in our lives. even if hormones and exterior circumstances are involved.

perhaps i heard the warning of how difficult three kids is so many times that i began to believe it. and now it is. when it doesn't have to be. i have amazing friends who can and do help me in more ways than i can count. i have a husband and kids who are patient and helpful and kind and love me no matter how unpredictable i am right now. and the sweetest baby who responds to my tears with beautiful, toothless grins.

so, yesterday i mentally made a list of things i need to change or do in my life that will turn these feelings around:

• attend the temple regularly again
• read my scriptures during the day
• say sincere prayers of gratitude for what i have
• and sincere prayers of help
• go to bed early
• wake up early
• schedule when to clean and do laundry rather than let things build and pile up like i did when i was pregnant
• get out of the house every day
• play with my kids
• exercise

and i am confident and have faith that if i focus on what is important...in time things will turn around. and perhaps my life might not necessarily get easier, but my capacity to manage it will.

i have to believe that is possible.