mabel

well, i'm in love.

again.

it's astounding to think

of how much love a heart can hold.

i hesitate telling mabel's birth story on here because all my friends will read it and then i won't have anything new to tell when they come to visit and meet mabel. but..

since i write a little bit better than i tell stories {that's not saying much}...

last tuesday my mom had been here a week and i was feeling anxious and ready to have my baby. so, i scheduled an appointment with my acupuncturist telling her that i wanted her to do whatever it is she does to induce me into labor. before my appointment in the late afternoon, my day was the usual tuesday: circus class, a quick staging stop, lunch, ballet class, grocery shopping and then i headed with my mom to the acupuncturist.

...what an unusual sensation that was. helen told me that no matter what she does, the baby will come in her own time. but once she inserted the needles into my foot, contractions came on quickly..and when she came in halfway through my session to push them in deeper, they became stronger. but nothing much happened beyond that. not that i was expecting it..just hoping. after that we went to see my midwife and check the baby's heartbeat.

and went home. that night i was resolved to not sit around timing contractions so i wrote thank you cards, repainted my kitchen walls, submitted a staging invoice for payment, cleaned off my computer desk and basically kept busy. when paul and my mom went to bed, i stayed up getting things done and eventually took a long bath before climbing into bed at 2am.

i slept fitfully for a couple of hours, dreaming of the book i was reading and woke at 4am to use the bathroom. once i lay back down i heard a definite pop inside my body and instantly thought it was my water breaking. but when nothing happened i just assumed it was my bones cracking and popping like they've done my whole third trimester, so i relaxed back to sleep.

but when things suddenly got a little wet, i sat up and went in the bathroom to confirm that my water had broken. let me tell you, i was very excited. i had been waiting for this for so long and had so many false alarm moments and now the real things was finally here, my baby was finally coming {i know, i know, it was only a day past my due date, but still..finally.} i went and woke up paul and my mom, put my contacts in and threw some toiletries in a bag and sat at the desk to call my midwife.

while i was on the phone with her, i changed my facebook status {yes, i'm a dork.} and put pasta on to boil. then called the babysitters to come down and be with the kids. they arrived to find me at the table eating pasta and drinking gatorade and mom sitting there with me and paul gathering up the few remaining things. they commented on how strangely calm we were and had assumed we would be freaking out and panicking like they do in the movies or on tv.

after giving them some instructions {the kids wouldn't wake till 7 or 7:30am} we drove through the dark streets to the birth center and arrived shortly after 5:30am. i was only dilated to a 3 when i arrived and my contractions had practically stopped. so after sitting on the birthing stool for a while, with my contractions finally picking up speed, i was able to get into the enormous bathtub. unfortunately, even though the water felt nice, it was really difficult to get comfortable during my contractions. so, after struggling through two hours or so of contractions, i was disheartened to hear that i was only dilated to a five. so i chose to get out to see if other positions would move my labor along.

i tried standing while leaning against paul, i tried the birthing stool again and ultimately sat on the birthing ball and did pelvic circles while leaning against the foot of the bed. getting out of the tub and moving around seemed to do the trick and my contractions began to get more and more intense. and were really wearing me out. so, i asked if could lay on the bed. which ended up being my all-time favorite position and made me really wish i had decided to do that a long time ago. they propped me up on a wedge with pillows behind my head and a blanket over me and i was able to just lay back and relax my body during contractions. in fact, i relaxed so much that i fell asleep between contractions.

remember how i mentioned that i was doing hypnobirthing? well, that was the best thing i ever could have done. from the time my water broke and all throughout labor, i only breathed in and out through my nose. big, deep breaths during the contractions. i focused so intently on relaxing every part of my body even while i was in so much pain. which is why i think it was so easy fall asleep between contractions. that and the fact that i was so sleep deprived in the first place.

after laboring for a bit on the bed, my midwife checked me and told me i was dilated to an eight and needed to make a decision of where i wanted to birth my little girl. if i wanted to stay in the bed, relaxed as i was or do what i had initially intended: have a waterbirth. i was quite out of it, so focused on getting through each contraction, that i had a hard time making a set decision and was so grateful to my mom, my midwife and paul for hearing me mumble, "i'm so comfortable... but really want to birth her in the water..." and springing into action. i think if they left it up to me, i would have just sat there hemming and hawing and wouldn't have moved at all. and i'm sure birthing her on the bed would have been perfectly fine, but i think i would have regretted not doing what i really wanted to in the first place.

so, they got me up and walked me over and helped me recline in the tub. unfortunately, i couldn't entirely relax like i had on the bed, since i had to hold myself up somewhat. regardless, i focused on the weightlessness of the water, letting my arms float free from my body and leaned my head back against the bath pillow.

once i got settled in the tub and my contractions continued to progress in intensity, i was actually able to feel her begin moving down my birth canal. it was such a bizarre sensation. i was so intent on not pushing unnecessarily and wanted to let my body naturally breathe her out. which was what i have been practicing and meditating on for so many months leading up to this moment.

as my labor progressed, i felt my hips spreading uncomfortably and felt my baby's head coming down further and further with each contraction. i was so acutely aware of my body and what was happening and knew the end was coming close. and suddenly, i had the urge to push. and did. and then that contraction stopped and i was able to relax and not let my body go out of control to push her out even though she was right there. so i waited and then when another contraction came, i felt the urge to push again and i did. and did it again and out she came. it was so intense and so very, very amazing.

when my midwife put her on my chest, i sobbed in exhaustion and joy and unbelief that i did it and it was over and here was my little baby.

my sweet little mabel.

what a miraculous thing to be pregnant and within a few hours be holding this tiny, helpless infant in my arms. this sweet child who has been growing inside of me and kicking and moving and developing. i have felt such a deep bond with her from the very start of my pregnancy, a bond which blossomed as the months went on and intensified as the end came near. and that moment, holding her and looking down into her face, noting her tiny features and basking in her presence and the wonder of her existence, was truly one of the best moments of my life.