word

oh, believe me,
i know it's almost february
and i am just now posting my word.
but that just shows you how chaotic
this new life of mine is
and how appropriate
my choice of word really is.

i am in a constant state of awe
at women who have
three or more children
and homeschool
with a baby
as well as decorate
and keep their houses clean
and their children fed
and in clean clothes.

on a regular,daily basis
i find myself forgetting to
breathe
deeply.

i just go and go and go and go
and then eat
and go and go and go and go
and then sleep.

and wake up and do it all again.

and so my focus this new year
is on breathing.

stopping
each
day
and
breathing
deeply.

and hopefully in time
i will move beyond just surviving
to developing the capacity to
manage this new life
with the kind of efficiency
that will bring me peace
and satisfaction.

but breathing comes first.

after 10 years..

i still
miss you when you're gone.

i still
have the most fun with only you.

i still
love holding your hand.

i still
know you'll listen when i talk.

i still
get giddy when you kiss me.

and
i always
give thanks
each day
for the joy
i feel
in being your bride.

oh dear

i hated my birthday post. i hesitate writing this because it will put a damper on this time but it is fact, so i'm writing it. this has nothing to do with my birthday party, which truly was unbelievably amazing and everything i wanted, full of {almost} all the people i love.

i hated that post because my true feelings seeped through the cracks of it till it is now so painful to re-read that i want to delete it. could you not tell?

i am seriously mopey. and i assume it is lack of sleep and this cocktail of hormones running through my body from having a baby and getting back to normal and nursing. but i am just not happy. and i can't stand it. i start crying at random times for no reason whatsoever and the thing is, i seriously want to have control over this. i so rarely feel sad for no reason i can pinpoint.

unfortunately, i feel like even the fact of me writing this out is making it so.
does that make sense?
like i am creating it.

when i should be telling people

that i am doing great.
that the life of three kids is awesome.
that mabel is sleeping fantastic.
that i am happy.
and adjusting perfectly.
and don't mind that it takes me freaking 30 minutes to get dressed because nothing fits right or fits at all. oh and that my face and eyes are constantly swollen and puffy from lack of sleep. and when i'm done getting dressed, mabel is ready to eat and the kids have made a mess of the entire house and we always end up being late to wherever we need to go. .......nope. don't mind it at all.

i should say that
and then it will be.

right?

i have been slowly spiraling downward into this
chasm of chaos
and sadness
and anger
and frustration

and there came a point yesterday when i stopped and asked myself WHY i was creating such a thing. it is ridiculous. we create our lives. we create the situations in our lives. even if hormones and exterior circumstances are involved.

perhaps i heard the warning of how difficult three kids is so many times that i began to believe it. and now it is. when it doesn't have to be. i have amazing friends who can and do help me in more ways than i can count. i have a husband and kids who are patient and helpful and kind and love me no matter how unpredictable i am right now. and the sweetest baby who responds to my tears with beautiful, toothless grins.

so, yesterday i mentally made a list of things i need to change or do in my life that will turn these feelings around:

• attend the temple regularly again
• read my scriptures during the day
• say sincere prayers of gratitude for what i have
• and sincere prayers of help
• go to bed early
• wake up early
• schedule when to clean and do laundry rather than let things build and pile up like i did when i was pregnant
• get out of the house every day
• play with my kids
• exercise

and i am confident and have faith that if i focus on what is important...in time things will turn around. and perhaps my life might not necessarily get easier, but my capacity to manage it will.

i have to believe that is possible.

free

a dear friend
took my two oldest kids for the day,
overnight
and tomorrow as well.

you'd think i would be delighted
at the chance to be alone.
but i miss them
and feel lost in this quiet, empty place.

twice, i have found myself
wandering around
in the silence not knowing what to do.
i mean, of course i could
clean the house
or do the dishes.
but..no.

i did do some things..
i read a good portion of my book.
and took a nap
and a shower.
gave mabel a bath
and i'm getting my hair cut tonight.
but i still feel lost
without all the noise and commotion
and chatter of my two oldest kids.

is this what it was like
when i only had one baby?
all this quiet?
it's so stifling.

maybe it's the hormones talking
or maybe i've just reached
the end of my confinement
now that i am finally feeling normal again
and am ready to get on with my new life
of three children and all that comes with it.

pregnancy

my pregnancy is coming to a close.
i know i still have six more weeks left.
but i am feeling wistful
about the end of this time.
i truly love being pregnant.
the beginning part is not so lovely
but the beauty and miracle
of growing a baby within me
completely astounds me
and brings so much joy
and fulfillment to my heart.
i love to feel her move and roll over
and even the occasional
sharp jabs from her tiny feet and hands.
i love to imagine what she will look like
and the knowledge
that she recognizes my voice
by how she reacts when i read
or sing songs to max and ava.
if i am self involved in my life
i love how a simple movement from her
brings me out of myself
and reminds me of my eternal role
as a mother
and the miracle of life.
i look forward
to the coming challenge of labor
and the joy of her birth
and am excited for her to join our family.
but i will miss this special time of pregnancy.

rant

okay.
so, in the last few weeks
i've had some comments from people.

comments such as this little winner:

"what do you do to pass the time while you're at home all day?"

excuse me?
pass the time? i'm confused.
actually, i was speechless.
speechless.

and then my awesome brother-in-law
posted this from the washington post
on his facebook
and i was so, so happy.



and she doesn't even mention:

having to pick up toys and kidstuff
that somehow makes it all over the house
and under the couch and in cupboards and the fridge.
and attempting to keep your house looking
presentable when kids are tearing through it constantly.
or scheduling dentist appointments
and haircuts
for every person in the house.

my favorite part:
It's doing all this
while concurrently teaching virtually everything --
language, manners, safety, resourcefulness,
discipline, curiosity, creativity. Empathy.
Everything.

not that this article changes what people think
about stay-at-home moms
or working moms.
or even the minds of the very people
who think i'm living the easy life.

i can't change how people think
or what they say.
but i can change how it affects me.
and i should really just relax
and be grateful i have a husband
who has never come home and
seen the dirty dishes still in the sink from breakfast
and the laundry still unfolded on the bed
and asked me,
"what did you do all day?"

refresh

lately, i have been feeling blah about my looks.
i know this is normal.
but, my hair is driving me nuts..
i have white strands peeking out on top
and i don't want to color it right now
because of all the chemicals.
and my clothes are old and boring.
so when my girlfriends invited me to go shopping
i jumped at the chance
even though i'm normally a solo shopper.
and, though my focus was accessories only,
interestingly {not really} enough,
i ended up buying four tops:
two for now
and two for after the baby is born.
plus some pretty side flowers..
this one being my favorite:



oh, and some earrings...and a scarf
...and a headband..and some new perfume.
i am feeling pretty again.
{and a little guilty, too.}

working

i ran into my hair salon this afternoon
to get a quick bang trim
and ended up waiting for about fifteen minutes
for my guy to be ready.
during that time i was watching the stylists
or front desk people
or assistants
run here and there.
all beautiful people with their hair
perfect
and sleek
and so very stylish.
all dressed in black
or pristine white
and tatooed or pierced
just so

of course all very courteous to pregnant me
sitting by the enormous fish tank
while my children bounce around
and smear their fingers on and tap the glass
to point out their favorite fish or fin or rock.
twice i was offered capuccino or
water or hot chocolate.
very nice, i say.

then, one girl showed up to work right about noon
and walked right in and said hello to no one
and no one said hello to her.
she looked like everyone else.
perfectly done up with the cool half smile.
and it hit me how much i would dislike
working in a place like that.
always having to be dressed and coiffed to the extreme.
{wouldn't your feet start to hurt standing in those stillettos all day?}
and i imagine the drama
behind all those gorgeous people
has to be enormous.

so, then i started to think about my previous jobs
and remembered "oh ya. i don't like working anywhere."
not to say i haven't liked any previous jobs.
because i have.
i've loved previous jobs..{p.s. hyatt hotel: event planning, of course}
it's the work environment i dislike.
it's just so darn ambiguous.
coworkers, bosses, assistants, admins,
there are hormones, pms,
rules, ettiquette,
not to mention sexual tension,
water cooler conversations, lunches out,
it's just too much for me.
too uncomfortable.
too vague.
i'm too analytical.
and enjoy socializing on my own terms
with people i actually like
rather than in a forced,
everyday-you-have-to-get-along-and-be-the-same
kind of environment.
props to those in the world who can do it.

p.s. that pic is of my haircut in december, not today.