wish

have you ever wished
to save a moment?
perhaps an
entire day
of life?

how bittersweet it would be
to return to this moment
and see the faces,
hear the laughs,
the voices
the shouts.
to touch the baby cheek
and the hair
or hold the small hands.

i wish for a way
to capture it
and hold it
to look back on and savor
and remember.
because in a blink,
it will be different
and changed,
never this way again.

shopping

why did i tear up?

when the white-haired lady
in trader joes
stopped me
at the checkout line,
to say how she had been watching us
and was impressed with how well-behaved
my children were.

i looked down at us.
frazzled me with
mabel attempting to escape the bjorn,
max talking a mile a minute
and trying to pull the cart
in all directions at once
ava hopping from one foot
to the next and whining for gum
and cereal and yogurt covered pretzels.

then i looked again.
through her eyes.
and saw that, yes,
my kids are good.
and try so hard to please.
and i should relax.

so, i blinked through my tears
and thanked her profusely for
not just observing us
but for telling me what she had observed.

then after she walked away,
i told max and ava what she had said.
and thanked them again in the car.
and again tonight when i tucked them into bed.

math

+




+



-



=

oh dear

i hated my birthday post. i hesitate writing this because it will put a damper on this time but it is fact, so i'm writing it. this has nothing to do with my birthday party, which truly was unbelievably amazing and everything i wanted, full of {almost} all the people i love.

i hated that post because my true feelings seeped through the cracks of it till it is now so painful to re-read that i want to delete it. could you not tell?

i am seriously mopey. and i assume it is lack of sleep and this cocktail of hormones running through my body from having a baby and getting back to normal and nursing. but i am just not happy. and i can't stand it. i start crying at random times for no reason whatsoever and the thing is, i seriously want to have control over this. i so rarely feel sad for no reason i can pinpoint.

unfortunately, i feel like even the fact of me writing this out is making it so.
does that make sense?
like i am creating it.

when i should be telling people

that i am doing great.
that the life of three kids is awesome.
that mabel is sleeping fantastic.
that i am happy.
and adjusting perfectly.
and don't mind that it takes me freaking 30 minutes to get dressed because nothing fits right or fits at all. oh and that my face and eyes are constantly swollen and puffy from lack of sleep. and when i'm done getting dressed, mabel is ready to eat and the kids have made a mess of the entire house and we always end up being late to wherever we need to go. .......nope. don't mind it at all.

i should say that
and then it will be.

right?

i have been slowly spiraling downward into this
chasm of chaos
and sadness
and anger
and frustration

and there came a point yesterday when i stopped and asked myself WHY i was creating such a thing. it is ridiculous. we create our lives. we create the situations in our lives. even if hormones and exterior circumstances are involved.

perhaps i heard the warning of how difficult three kids is so many times that i began to believe it. and now it is. when it doesn't have to be. i have amazing friends who can and do help me in more ways than i can count. i have a husband and kids who are patient and helpful and kind and love me no matter how unpredictable i am right now. and the sweetest baby who responds to my tears with beautiful, toothless grins.

so, yesterday i mentally made a list of things i need to change or do in my life that will turn these feelings around:

• attend the temple regularly again
• read my scriptures during the day
• say sincere prayers of gratitude for what i have
• and sincere prayers of help
• go to bed early
• wake up early
• schedule when to clean and do laundry rather than let things build and pile up like i did when i was pregnant
• get out of the house every day
• play with my kids
• exercise

and i am confident and have faith that if i focus on what is important...in time things will turn around. and perhaps my life might not necessarily get easier, but my capacity to manage it will.

i have to believe that is possible.

update

my camera is broken.
this is not making me happy at all.
it is usually an extension of my right hand
and goes everywhere with me.
so the 8 month picture of my belly will be delayed.
you can look at this shot that paul took, though
it is only a couple weeks old.
focus on my belly please
and not the ridiculously chunky sheet
that i threw over my shoulder at the last minute.
{what does a girl wear for maternity shots?}



today for the twelve hundredth time
a complete stranger announced their shock
that i am having a baby in less than a month.
and told me i should be a pregnancy model.
i don't know what that means.
because if you saw me right now
you would strongly disagree.

on tuesday,
as i was in the produce section of the grocery store
looking for a crenshaw melon
{because that is how big my baby is...
ya, i couldn't find one}
this random guy walked past me,
leaned close and said,
"congratulations"
i was quite surprised,
and quickly said a genuinely pleased thank you
before he disappeared.
is that so very nice?
i think more people should say that to pregnant women.

the birth is getting closer
and i'm completely serious when i say i am excited
and only slightly nervous.
i've decided to try hypnobirthing this time around
which is merely self hypnosis,
relaxation and breathing techniques
that will help me during labor.
you all know how firm a believer i am
in the law of attraction.
and this method is right up my alley
of creating the kind of gentle birth that i want
and being faithful rather than fearful.

but don't think that
i'm being naive or blind.
i am prepared for anything that might happen.
but merely do not focus on the negative.
which is how we should be in our lives anyway
in my opinion
focus on the good,
attract the good.

4 months later

i thought it would be interesting
to see if i could fit into these and take a picture.
i'm wearing them
not necessarily fitting into them.
but i think the comparison is cool.

i am officially in my third trimester.
27 weeks along.
due in three months.
this is shocking to me
and a little scary.
i'm nervous to have another baby
and birth another baby.
even though i know what's coming
and that it's a natural process
i'm a little apprehensive.
but, also very excited.
is that possible to have so many emotions?
possible or not, it's how i am these days.

what else?
i can't walk very well sometimes
due to my sciatica.
it is killer.
i've started to see my acupunturist again, though.
which is heaven.
it feels so good to go every week.

other than that
i have been spending my days
redecorating our living room,
{almost done}
homeschooling the kids,
feeling baby hiccups
and trying to finish up each day
with some yoga.

my main focus
in this order is:
me,
my family
and my home.

it's a pretty good life.

create

is my word for this new year.
perhaps it was inspired by this post,
but it seems so appropriate.
and i've already begun the creation process.


creating spirit..daily scriptures, prayers, singing.
creating home..redecorating, simplifying, organizing.
creating knowledge..good books, good films, good discussions.
creating health..eating better, sleeping better, acupuncture and yoga.
creating peace..visits to the spa, pedicures, massage.
creating joy..calls to friends and family, date nights, ladies nights.




these are just a few things
that i have been focused on improving in my life.
and not just wanting them to happen
but making them happen.
creating them.

and it is so refreshing,
and happy.
this creation,
this new year.

creation

image courtesy of google

this morning in relief society

the lesson was on elder bednar's most recent conference talk on prayer.

and even though i did my november visiting teaching on this talk
and lydia even pointed this certain aspect out to me, it really hit me today.

there is a part in his talk where he mentions that

just as the Lord created the earth and the heavens

spiritually before he created them physically,

so we should create our days

spiritually before we create them physically.

through prayer.

we should begin our days not only by thanking our Heavenly Father

for what we have been given,

but also by asking him for what we want to have happen throughout our day.

then during our day and especially at the end of it,

we return to our Father and review how our day went

and thank him for it.

i love this fresh perspective on prayer.
but what i love most

is the implication that we have that creative power over our lives.
and what an amazing power it is...

the power of positive thinking,
the power of faith,

the power of asking God to take our lives and use them for good.

if only we would begin our day by praying

and asking for help in that creative process...

help in creating good experiences

and safety

and love

and joy throughout our day.

and acknowledging that God is the one blessing us with what we want.

i am a firm believer in the law of attraction

and creating the lives that we want,

not just passively living from day to day.

i believe it because i am living that life.
and this gift of spiritual creation from God

helps me feel his love and concern for me

so much more powerfully.

how very blessed we are as His children.

Christmas spirit

i am reading Dickens' A Christmas Carol.

i got the idea from brenna who just finished reading it.

{what a wonderful idea to get in the Christmas spirit.}

i think i've seen the play half a dozen times or so

and never tire of it.

it's simply a beautiful story

of redemption and hope.

so, monday and tuesday were crazy days and it seemed like everywhere i went things weren't going the way i wanted them to. and more than once, i was cut off in traffic. and mean thoughts went through my head about how all year long i have never been cut off or had a bad experience with other drivers on the road and it seems so backwards that in just two days, during the Christmas season of all times, i would have it happen multiple times. the third time it happened i grumbled under my breath and ava asked,

"which car was mean to you this time, mom?"

and insantly i was brought to my senses and pulled out of my pity party. what a terrible example i was being to my children and a terrible person i was being. i was complaining about other drivers, when i, myself, was thinking and saying rude things. at one point, someone cut me off and i seriously considered speeding up and cutting them off. yes, it is true.

after ava said that to me, i responded that it was no one and everything was fine and decided to change my attitude. and just relax. and it really worked. things changed.

yesterday in the airport and on the airplane, everywhere we went people were smiling and saying Merry Christmas {not the depressing and pointedly secular "happy holidays"} and being so kind and jolly. i'm serious. it was lovely. i'm not saying it was all because of my change of attitude. in fact, it could have been because our endless lists were completed and we were finally leaving for a much needed vacation and we were kind and jolly. whatever it was, it was wonderful. and restored my faith in humankind.

so, back to A Christmas Carol..

this is from the very beginning of the story

when Scrooge's nephew, Fred

is attempting to wish Scrooge

a merry Christmas:

...i have always thought of Christmas-time...

as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time;

the only time i know of, in the long calendar of the year,

when men and women seem by one consent

to open their shut-up hearts freely,

and to think of people below them

as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave,

and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.

i love that phrase, "open their shut-up hearts freely."

and hope i can do that,

not just now

but all year long.

housewife

sometimes i wonder how those 50's housewives did it.

you know,
how they would change into a pretty dress,
fix their hair
and touch up their makeup
before the husband returned
from a long day at the office.
greet him at the door with a kiss.

or am i just imagining that they did that?

this evening after paul got home,
i went into the bathroom and while washing my hands
looked in the mirror and thought,

"wow, paul really loves me.
not this, obviously,
but me, the me inside of this."

"this" being interpreted to mean:

the messy hair falling out of its sloppy ponytail
makeup all but gone
maternity shirtdress with stains on it from who knows what
a zit forming on my chin from eating dairy {whoops}.
bags under my eyes from staying up too late
eyes bloodshot from, you got it, staying up too late.

just a site to behold.
beauty in it's rarest form.
{what? you want a picture?
riiiiiiiiight.}

so, the 50's housewife.
is that just a myth?
did women really do that?
because they had to have been on speed
or something
to have the house spotless,
laundry done and put away,
dinner on the table
AND looking hot in their little dresses.

i think i am just really grateful to not be that housewife.
or have the expectation to be anything close to it.
and to have a husband who doesn't mind coming home
to piles of laundry.
who not only doesn't mind,
but will help me fold it and put it away.
who goes with the flow
when he realizes i've decided i don't want to cook dinner
and will step in and make dinner for us.
who cares if it's french toast.
i didn't have to make it, therefore it is the best dinner ever.

so, paul:
thanks for loving me,
even though i'm not all that cute at the end of the day
and the house is sometimes a cluttered mess
and the laundry is not folded
and dinner is not made
because i'd rather read a book
or play with the kids
or stare at the computer.

mope

i didn't anticipate the feelings i would have yesterday.
very depressed yesterday.
not exactly feelings of uselessness,
more that i felt sad and strange
not being needed anymore.
i am just me now.
just me.
and last night,
i actually dreaded the possibility of church,
going as this new me.
so much so that i stayed up till 1am,
delaying going to bed.

but, then i dreamt that i didn't go to church
and dreamt of this emptiness
that came with the lack of weekly spiritual nourishment
and partaking of the sacrament.
when i awoke, that emptiness lingered.
and then i remembered my previous joy
that came with being released.
joy at being able to sit in relief society
and sunday school
and be spiritually nourished.
instead of the one giving nourishment.
i didn't exactly fly out of bed with a shout of hooray,
but it got me up and gave me
a tiny bit of motivation.

sunday school was long,
i haven't sat still for that long in a long time.
then, the relief society pres introduced me
as a new face,
since i have been gone so long.
but, when we sang the opening song,
my eyes misted over briefly
as i remembered how much i enjoy
the association of the sisters in my ward.
this is my new chapter in life.
this will take some adjustment.

feminine

i have 6 loads of laundry to put away,
and a disaster of a house
but here i am writing.
i was lucky enough to have a facial this afternoon.
one of my good friends and i have a swap:
i watch her little boy once a week
and she gives me the best facials every couple of weeks.
but i haven't been for a couple of months.
so, you can understand why this afternoon was
delightful.
while sitting in the relaxation room,
wrapped in a robe,
my feet soaking over hot stones,
sipping my mint tea
i read an article about the importance of retaining my femininity.
and i was overcome with guilt.

~

how do you get the raise, the corner office, the promotion, or the title? by functioning in your masculine. it is our masculine that gets us ahead, provides security in our job, and earns a nice paycheck. in fact, even if we are at home, we are the CEO of our house--meeting deadlines, organizing schedules, and managing events--acting fully in our executive mode. but the feminine is expressed in such qualities as nurturance, light-heartedness, changeability, joyfulness, connection and healing, to mention a few. so, where is the arena for your feminine? is it your kitchen when you are making a great meal for people you love, or your garden with beautiful flowers you have nurtured? is it your interactions with your children? remember the power of your feminine. pay tribute to her--flowers on your desk or in your home, sensual fabrics, the bath instead of the more efficient shower..

~

this short little article struck a chord with me.
and rang so true with my everyday life.
running a household and raising children is a LOT of work.
constant work, in fact.
no 9-5 at this job.
but how often do i stop and take time for myself?
really stop?
the facial is a good step,
but it's practially forced on me by my good friend
who is a single mom and knows the vital importance
of time to yourself in order to survive.
because i am so stuck in my masculine
that i never schedule it for myself.
because if i were to do something like that i feel guilty,
and highly indulgent.
how ridiculous is that?
when by relaxing
and taking time for ourselves
we are making lives easier for those around us.
we are happier women,
more patient mothers
and loving wives.
so, i vow right now to be better,
more feminine.
more joyful and nurturing.
and take more time to myself.
and actually enjoy that time.

peace

please don't tell me that i'm a bad mom
for wanting to just once
use the bathroom
without someone coming to the door
and banging on it
asking me what i'm doing in there.
or wanting to just once
open the front door
without a stampede of feet
and a scrambling to put
flip flops on
accompanied with begging
to come with me.
sometimes it's just so much
easier
and quicker
to put the laundry in
or get the mail
or get something from the car
or dump the trash
alone.
does that make me terrible?
for not always allowing my kids
to accompany me
on the learning experience of
putting quarters in the dryer
and sorting the clothes?
because i normally let them come.
but sometimes
i just
don't
want to.

relaxation

"...please steal time every day, if you cannot find it in any other way, to lie down on the grass, or in a hammock, under a huge tree this lovely month...and relax. what a tonic this is for the soul! what a rest for weary nerves! our husbands, children, friends--yes, and the nation--will profit by our relaxation. the greatest need today is for calmer homes, and no fireside can be calm unless its guardian is at peace with the world."

~nell b. nichols, 1924


i'll be at the beach all day, today.
calming my soul and resting my weary nerves.

sleep

i was brushing my teeth last night at 11:03 when this sadness came over me. i remembered this article paul was telling me about that he read a few weeks ago. detailing how a normal, healthy man attempted a polyphasic sleep cycle of 20 minute naps every four hours instead of the more common monophasic sleep cycle of 8 hours every 24 hours. he didn't fare very well and after three weeks of torture, threw in the towel and slept for 15 hours straight, leaving the polyphasic sleeping to the insomniacs and long-distance sailboat racers, much to the delight of his friends.

back to last night, though. as my soni-care droned on, i thought about how every night when it's close to eleven o'clock i know i need to go to bed. and not stay up late. or else i will have a terrible day following. {sleeping in late, the kids and i both grumpy, etc., etc.} and the sadness was for all the things i had not yet finished. and how i didn't want to go to bed. and this is how it is every day. choosing the things that are most important to me to accomplish in the few hours i have for that particular day and putting other things aside for another day, another time.

standing there, in our bathroom, toothbrush in hand, i announced to paul my desire to adopt the polyphasic sleeping. and without waiting for his answer, proceeded to bemoan to him all the things i wanted to do but didn't get to that day. he kindly reminded me of what a grumpy zombie i am if i get less than 7 hours of sleep. which is true. so, don't worry, i won't attempt the 20 minute naps. i wouldn't want to end up like kramer, falling asleep while making out and then being dumped in the hudson river by the mob. but, sometimes i wish i didn't need to go to bed. just so i could accomplish all that i want to or need to or should do. so i could be done with my to-do list. and relax. because the nights when i do stay up till 1am blogging or emailing or tackling my to-do list of who knows what and finish off with a cup of tea and cleaning off my desk, i feel so happy and content. tired, but content. guilty, as i slide into bed beside paul, but content.

yet, this afternoon as i was walking up the steps to head home from the beach, still thinking about this common plight of the stay at home mom, the thought came to my mind that my life will not always be this way. i will not always have a houseful of children needing to be fed and read to and sung to and kissed and diapered. there will come a time in my life when my house will be quiet and i will have all the time in the world to read a fantastic novel from cover to cover or reply to emails or visit all 70 blogs on my reader. and at that time in my life, i might be sad and wistful for all that quiet and time on my hands. and curse my ungrateful, younger self. so, i am choosing the better things. and letting some good and some not so good things slide. and just getting to them when i have the time.

speaking of time..it's 10:48pm.
buena noche.

29 years ago

i have been pondering on my being
one year older today
and the state of my 29 year old soul.


{thanks google images for giving me fireworks on my birthday..someday they will be real}

mostly i have been thinking about
whether or not i am proud
of who i am turning out to be.
and i believe i am.

proud,
content,
and happy.

last week was a wonderful reminder to me
of my creative abilities and
the pure and blissful joy i feel when i am creating.
my soul was energized by the knowledge that i am
more than a mother and a wife.
i am a woman with confidence, passion and talents.

but setting that aside, there are some things
that i know i need to work on to better myself...

one is my spiritual health.
i don't take nearly enough time to nourish my spirit.
i feel like i am barely squeaking by
in reading my scriptures and praying.
i do it, every day, but inside i know it is not enough.
so for this year i want to take better care of my spirit
and remember that i am a better woman, wife, mother and friend
when i do.

two is my relationships.
i want to understand better, listen better, know better
and love better. sometimes i feel like i stretch myself too thin
with unnecessary busyness. i love it when a friend takes the time
to listen to me and love me and truly know me.
i want to be this kind of friend this year.

in january i chose a word for my new year.
but earlier today (yesterday) i
felt like it doesn't quite apply much anymore.
changes are still coming, i have no doubt about that.
but today, enhance seems more appropriate.
because i love who i am and am proud of my abilities and my life
i just want to enhance them in order to reach my full potential.
this is an everlasting project,
to always be looking for ways to improve.
but it is one that i truly enjoy.

finally...
this is my last year before turning 30.
and months ago, i got the idea to make a list
of 30 things to do or accomplish before i turn 30.
30 things before i turn 30.
to start on today!
thing big or small, minor or very major.
but, i thought i could use some help...from you.
so, what are some things you wish you
had done
or could do
or would do.
just help me out a bit.
then, i will compile the list and
let you know what those 30 things are.
and when i do them or if i have already done them.


p.s. i am really excited for today!

mothers

each second we live is

a new

and

unique

moment of the universe...

and what do we teach our

children?

we teach them that

two and two make four

and that paris is the capital of france.

when will we also teach them

what they are?

we should say to each of them:

do you know what you are?

you are a

marvel.

you are

unique.

in all the years that have passed,

there has never been

another

child like

you.

your legs,

your arms,

your clever fingers,

the way you move.

you may become

a shakespeare,

a michelangelo,

a beethoven..

you have the capacity for

anything.

yes, you are a

marvel.

and when you grow up,

can you then harm another who is,

like you,

a marvel?

you must work--we must all work--

to make the world worthy of its children.

~pablo casals

here's to all women, mothers or not, who have inspired only the best in those around them.

happy mother's day!

wrong

a couple of weeks ago when i went out for fondue with my girlfriends the subject of breast implants came up. again. this is a pretty regular topic among some of us whose breasts sag depressingly low (me) or are practically nonexistent (me, again). the idea of breast implants sounds like a lovely pick me up. no pun intended. but most of us have children who are older and some of us have daughters. and we discussed what kind of message we are sending to our girls when we are constantly telling them they are beautiful and teaching them of their divine self worth, and then we turn around and schedule surgery on our own bodies.

ever since the moment when i first saw the effects that pregnancy, childbirth and nursing had on my own body after having ava, i've always been very into the idea of getting breast implants. but, now that ava's older, i'm on the fence. leaning more towards no. i want ava to love her body and have a high self esteem and i want to continue to set that example for her. more than a few times during the week she will want to put on her "makeup." i want to tell her no, that she doesn't need to put makeup on, but i can't. because it would be hypocritical of me. because then she would see the double standard of me telling her that she's beautiful without makeup but then watch me putting my makeup on every morning.

on saturday morning, when i heard about this book on npr, i had a good laugh at it. i thought that for people like my friend, let's call her susan, who insists on getting implants no matter what, it will be good to help explain her reasons to her children. but look at this page in the book, for example..



ew. it's just giving the wrong message. it's wrong. shouldn't we love our bodies as they are? focus on developing our talents and our spirituality? serve others and not care so much about how we look and instead on what we do and the kind of women we are? and teach our daughters the same thing?

there is a part in the book little women when meg is confessing to her mother that she let the vain annie moffat primp and dress her while she was visiting them for two weeks. meg says, "..it is nice to be praised and admired, and i can't help saying i like it.." and marmee responds, "that is perfectly natural, and quite harmless, if the liking does not become a passion and lead one to do foolish..things. learn to know and value the praise which is worth having, and to excite the admiration of excellent people by being modest as well as pretty..."

i don't want to have ava come to me, years down the road, with a poor body image as a result of my example, to tell me that she's getting work done. that probable scenario horrifies me. instead i want her to be content with who she is and how she looks. to truly know her worth and that she is a daughter of God.

backwards

often people attempt to
live their lives
backwards:
they try to
have more things,
or more money,
in order to
do more
of what they want
so that they will
be happier.
the way it actually works is the reverse.
you must first
be who you really are,
then,
do what you need to do,
in order to
have what you want.

-margaret young